I can feel their unasked questions ... by Tanya Hornbuckle - BLOG
I can feel their unasked questions.
People wonder how I can still stand, still walk, still laugh. But they don’t ask. You can’t ask that of a mother who has lost her child. I am tempted to tell them that it is I who am lost, not he.
I am lost in my search for him, knowing he is nowhere on this earth. “Where are you, Joel?” I shout the question to the sky when I am strong enough to bear the silence that follows. “Why did you die?” Even that has no real answer.
The instinct to protect one’s offspring runs through mothers of virtually all species. I violated the basic canon of motherhood. I failed to protect my child. That my child is dead while I still live defies the natural order. I spoke to him while he lay unseeing and unmoving on the kitchen floor. I told him I loved him. I begged him to speak to me. I begged him to come back to me. He never answered or moved to squeeze my hand.
I will carry this child for the rest of my life. He lives within me, forever a young man of 30. Others will carry him as they move forward in their lives. He will be with them when they look out to the world with compassion, when they act with determination and kindness, when they are brave enough to contemplate all the things in life that remain unknown.
I miss you so so much my son. There are no words that can be said to take any of this anguish I feel away. I love you Joel Wolstenholme
Your mom always,
Tanya
Tanya Hornbuckle and her son Joel Wolstenholme in 2013 at the Colour Me RAD event in Edmonton, AB. Canada